She is Everywhere......

 This summer was BUSY for us. I purposely kept us going going going mostly for selfish reasons.... I knew if we didn't I would curl up in bed or on the couch and things wouldn't be pretty. So with us staying busy, we were able to have a wonderful summer and enjoyed our time together very much. Everyday Sophie would say, "Mama what are we doing in the morning?" which means... what are we doing tomorrow? BUT us constantly doing stuff kept me from blogging. I am going to try to do better :). 

It seemed that everything we did this summer we would see things that would remind us of Mom. There have not been many days since May 4th that I have not cried and I don't apologize for that. Some are sweet cries, some are ugly cries..... some are just flat out mad cries. I miss her every second of every day. That's no lie! It still does not seem real. 

So I thought I would share some of the things that I captured (& some I didn't) that reminded us of her.

This is how Mother's Day for us was spent this year.

 One day not long after it happened, I was straightening up Sophie's craft station and I found the next two pictures. Heidi wrote the first one and Sophie wrote the second one.

 .... and then one day in the school line I reached for some gum to notice the date (because I have this weird infatuation with dates)......

 When we were talking to Brother Garry about her funeral and the focus..... we decided on "Let Your Faith Be Bigger than Your Fear"..... we really only chose that because someone had painted her a canvas with that quote on it and she had it in her room. It just kind of seemed to be our "theme"..... she was never scared to die..... she was just sad to leave us behind. Saying that..... we never really noticed that phrase being on things or seeing it anywhere. All of a sudden it was every where we looked. I was looking on zulily one day and there's a sign......

 My friend, Mrs. Stacy, then noticed this on a co-workers desk.....

Kind of like if you buy a red mini coupe, every where you turn you're going to see a red mini coupe.

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 Tyler and I wanted to do something for our aunts and uncles for helping us so much. We could NOT have gotten through those rough days without them..... so we decided on gift certificates to Mama's favorite place to eat.... Ed's. It was so hard for me to even walk in Ed's without her..... let alone eat. She and I always shared a pub burger when we went. When my burger was brought to me, I honestly sat there and stared at it and cried. It took me several minutes before I could eat.

The Ed's picture reminds me.... we were eating at Captain D's one night with MeMe and Tyler. Captain D's was another one of Mom's favorites. The kids love for Captain D's "chips" came from her actually. Anyway, we were all sitting down and I said Mom loved this place.... Tyler started crying... I was tearing up.... and then no joke right at that moment "Fight Song" came on.

Soph made this at church.

 I still remember we were out by Cindy's pool one day and I was already feeling a little "lonely"..... just missing her.... so I decided to pull up Instagram..... Heidi had posted this picture and caption without me even knowing. My eyes immediately started watering. She shares her feelings mostly by things like this... she and Karter aren't as vocal as Soph.

And I'm not sure if any of you have heard about the cardinal meaning.......

 .... but they say that cardinals are a sign from a loved one that has passed. God's way of showing you that they are still with you. Anyway, Sophie was singing a song for Mom one day that she had made up. She said that it was for Babee and she wanted us to go to her grave so she could sing it. I still remember like it just happened, we were standing in my bathroom while she was singing and she was so proud of her song and I was too. It was really beautiful. I have it on video, but it isn't cooperating with me putting it on here.
 When she finished her song and walked back to the kitchen, she looked out our back door and yelled, "MAMA THERE IS A CARDINAL"..... we had already talked about the meaning of them and she was so excited that she saw one. Like it was staring at her. I hurried in there and got a picture. I told her I that I thought God sent that cardinal to her to show her that Babee heard her beautiful song.

We saw several cardinals there for a while, but sadly I haven't seen one lately. Tyler was riding through the camp ground at Grayton Beach one day and he said he almost hit a cardinal. It flew right in front of him. Crazy huh? Mom LOVED to camp.

 And then there was the day we saw double rainbows. Sophie said she bet Babee was sliding down on one and our friend April's mom was sliding on the other...

She still does this at least once a week... sometimes much more. She actually had a meltdown about missing her last night.

 We try to stay busy on every "4th". It's like each day you think back to... what I was doing 3 months ago and so forth. On the first 4th, we spent the day at the beach with family and then ended it by eating at Ed's..... my cousin, Jamie, sent this snap....

 ... and Sophie got Babee's favorite milkshake.....

I just wanted to through this one in. So true!

This is our pet cemetery. Mom loved this tree and it is where Oscar the wiener dog was buried,  the cat was buried, and now a few chickens. So Tyler put the chair out there to be with them and beside the tire swing she had for the kids.

Everytime this song would come on she would tell me that it was for me and Kyle.

I know you can't hear Kman's recording, but Heidi was on his ipod one day and noticed he had a recording he had tried to send to me that didn't go through, so she just sent it. It was him saying that he hoped Babee and I had a good day together and he missed me. I am not real sure what Mom & I were doing that day.... I've been trying to think. I am sure we must have been in Birmingham some during that time. We found out she had 4 months Jan 13th.... so if Heidi was right and he tried to send that Feb 9th, I just can't place where we would have been other than her house. Either way, tears flowed when I heard it.

We would hear fight song like all the time right after it happened. We were just talking yesterday at how we hadn't heard it much lately.

When they called and told me they were putting her headstone and bench in, the kids and I rode out there and just sat and cried. Okay.... mostly I sat and cried. They are just my side kicks :).

They sat and wondered....

They did a great job.

 These 2 walked all around the cemetery getting flowers that had blown away and started decorating the dirt over Mom with them.

Just another one of her many meltdowns.

A couple days later Tyler went out there with us and we put her flowers in. We decided to start off with the teal ones. To this day they are still all in place. Every now and then I have to tweak one and put it back where it goes.

Moms friend, Tracy, brought this by to show me one day. She and some of the others from the middle school had it made in honor of Mom. It's hanging in the front entrance by the doors.

 Mom LOVED to camp..... she would have us scheduled to camp all year long and basically would just tell me the dates. We had our first camping trip without her. She planned the trip of course and before she passed she told me to make sure that we still went. She was so proud of our water front spots (she would always schedule my aunt and uncles too) and said we needed to go to relax and just think. That's exactly what we did. It was a lot harder going without her than I thought though.

 We were camping at the beach... so we would go to the beach each day..... my Aunt Mandy was the first to notice this on the umbrella....... (still gives me goosebumps)

 ... and then I took a picture...... crazy huh?

 We went one night to ride go-carts..... and had a blast! Some of you may not know, but Mom LOVED peacocks. She actually had 3 that she gave away before she got too sick.  She has a lot of peacock decor in her house too.... anyway Sophie got a fan with her tickets from the go-cart place. The fan was closed obviously, so we didn't know what it looked like until she opened it..... a beautiful peacock was on it......

 

 July 2nd was Moms birthday. She would have been 48 years young. We had her a birthday celebration (that I promise to blog about soon)..... it was peacock themed.

Another snap from Jamie

The plaque

My tattoo brings me soooo much happiness and peace. I know Tyler's does him as well. It's like I look at my arm and say, "I love you too Mom".

 We spent the weekend at the beach a few weeks ago. I had ordered a couple new swim suit tops from Zulily (yes I have an addiction). I had tried the tops on at home to make sure they fit and when I went to put them on at the beach, I took the tags off.... only to find this......

 .... and I honestly did not notice that before hand.

Saw this shirt on zulily too.....

I mean.... even little things like pork chops remind me of her. If we grilled, she would almost always want pork chops.

Tracy sent me this. Hasn't even been a year yet that she wrote that.

 Not too many days ago I was trying to mow grass. Our lawn mower has been giving us FITS lately. The silly mower would not crank. I charged it, I prayed about it, I sprayed it like Kyle said.... I was doing everything right..... I was emotional lol... and was crying. Yes I was crying. I was already having a missing Mom day and then the mower wouldn't crank. You know... one of those days. So I left the mower alone and started weed eating. When I finished I went back to the mower and no joke. I sat down, this song came on (we played it at her funeral & have it on a slide show we did on Flipagram of her) and the mower cranked right up. Don't think I didn't start laughing and crying at the same time..... I was like.... thanks Mom.

 School starting this year was ROUGH for me. This was the first year filling out the school papers that I couldn't list Mom as an emergency contact. People don't think about things like that when people lose someone they are very close to. Things like that are like daggers in the heart.....

 Sophie was coloring at church the other week and came across this in her coloring book that Mom had done......

See what I mean? Just random constant things....

I'm not the only one that misses her. She is missed by SOOOO many people!! Her teacher friend sent me this of her and Mom on her desk top. I had to screen shot it.

 And sweet Mr. Hightower...... he was the principal at the middle school but is now at the high school.... he took Heidi a VERY sweet card on the first day of school and a gift card. Y'all it meant so much to me for him to do that. For someone to think about Heidi's day at the middle school where she is used to her Babee being...... words just can't explain how much it meant. Heidi sent him a thank you note and I thought it was too sweet not to share. Made my heart smile.

 Yesterday I was driving to Dothan and Jeremy Camp's song came on... "There will be a day... no more tears... no more pain.... no more fears"..... I just smiled and teared up as I was listening to it. I am looking forward to that day.

Then on the way home I was on the phone with Kyle and I saw a black Cadillac just like hers at the red light.... with of course a blonde driving. I just started crying on the phone. Right after seeing the caddy, this song came on.....

I am very thankful that there are constant reminders of her everywhere. Her biggest worry was that the kids would forget her. I will make sure that they don't. They were blessed to have a Babee like her for as long as they did. Selfishly I wish they could have had her for much much longer, but God had other plans.  I know He is in control, but some days are harder than others. Some days the reminders hurt a little more than they did the day before. Makes me wonder what would remind others of me if I were to die young. Ya know? Ever thought about it?

The Story Behind OUR Tattoos....

I want to start by showing you a picture of the final product of our tattoo's....

 

 I absolutely love it.

Tattoos aren't for everyone. I get that. I was one of those people for most all of my life. It wasn't until Mom was diagnosed with cancer that I started looking at tattoos differently. I all of a sudden felt like I had a reason to get one..... so to speak. Mom, Tyler, and I talked about getting one pretty early on in her diagnosis. We wanted matching ones and we wanted to go together to get them, but we never could decide what we wanted. I am now thankful we didn't do anything cancer related because quite frankly, I am mad with cancer & I don't want to look at something everyday to remind me of what I feel it took from me. I think a "ribbon" tattoo or something to that nature would anger me each day and instead the one we got does nothing but bring a smile to my face and happiness in my heart and without a doubt I know that it always will.

It is hard to explain the joy that it brings us. 

For two years we had been contemplating getting ink.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am far from a spur of the moment person. I did a lot of research and talked to several people before finally saying.... "okay".  I wanted the Biblical principle behind them. I wanted to know all that I could before getting it. I found several articles, but this one (click link) is one of my favorites.  I know some of you reading this are going... absolutely not.... I don't care what kind of tattoo it is, I am NOT getting one and I feel that God doesn't want us to do that to ourselves. Kind of like the article, most of you probably have your ears pierced, have cut your hair, you like your steaks rare, etc. and no judging from me if you are like that. I WAS like that too. BUT I also had my ears pierced... twice... had a belly ring, cut my hair, cut my nails, etc. so this article really opened my eyes. I had someone tell me, "Well tattoos just aren't our thing".... and that is okay. They aren't for everyone. It didn't hurt my feelings.... but I just wanted to do this post to kind of open the eyes of some. I now see tattoos as interesting. I like to know the story behind them. Some people have beautiful stories behind theirs... some just randomly get theirs. Like the guy that did mine... he said only 4 out of 74 of his (yes 74) meant something.

It is no secret that Tyler and I were very close to our Mom. We were close before she had cancer, but we got even closer during the process. Learning to live life without her has been incredibly difficult. She was a huge part of our everyday lives. This tattoo allows us to "visibly" see her everyday. We already knew she was "with us", but this way we look at our arms and actually see her. We know her handwriting. We saw her write this note. It means more to us than it ever would anyone else.

This is the original note....

I was at home one night earlier this year rocking my babies & it came to me out of nowhere..... get Mom to write I love you and that is your tattoo. I wasn't watching anything on TV to make me think about it, it truly was very random.  I immediately got my phone and sent Mom and Tyler a text telling them. Come to find out Tyler had thought the same thing a couple days prior but hadn't told us yet. How about that? 

We kept telling Mom over and over and over to write it.... but she kept procrastinating. When she finally wrote it, it was in about March/April and by that time it was hard for her to concentrate or write anything. She was very shaky when trying to write. That's why some of her letters are scrunched together.... that is also what makes it even more special to us. 

To us it is more than "just a tattoo". Every time we look at our arms, it is like Mom took an ink pen and wrote on us. The guy that did it did an amazing job. He was very nervous.... he said original hand writings make him want to smoke more (ha)... he wanted it to be as perfect as we wanted it. Honestly, that is the main reason I held off getting it. I was so afraid it would mess up or not look like her handwriting. The "foreverness" of it is what always made me nervous. But oh am I glad that Kyle basically gave me no choice but to go last Friday night. 

I am not asking anyone to like our tattoos. I wanted you to see the meaning and thought that went in behind us getting them. It's not like we just went and got a random cactus in a flower pot or something. We got our deceased Mama's handwriting. It is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. 

I will say that I wanted it small and on my wrist. When we got there, he explained to me that he couldn't/wouldn't do it that small or right there. He said it would eventually "blob" together and something this important did NOT need to do that. He also said the way she did her "yo" in you would definitely smear together because of how close she did them. I said, "Well can't you just write an "o" in"? He quickly said, "no..... that wouldn't be hers.... that would be like me doing a portrait and putting someone else's mouth on it". I was like wow.... good point. I was just dead set on where I wanted it, so it took me a little bit to be "okay" with where it is. Once he placed it, I fell in love with where it was immediately. I wouldn't want it smaller... or bigger (Tyler's is bigger)..... for me.... it was absolutely perfect.

This was after he scanned it in, sized it, and placed it. Once he placed it, he did say he could do it at my wrist area and facing me, but it would almost wrap around my wrist. I didn't want that.

Right after

 He told me it would feel like unicorn kisses... HA! It did NOT feel like unicorn kisses. I would imagine those would be very soft and pleasant like. When he finished I said well that certainly did not feel like unicorn kisses. He laughed and said.... well unicorn kisses while they are head butting you. I said that's more like it.

I kept staring..... and smiling....

Kyle got a wedding band :)

This was right when Tyler got finished.

We just kept saying we could not believe we actually did it. We felt like a bunch of wild youngins lol.

I took this one this morning to show Tyler. Most of my scabbing is gone. I still have some and my oh my no one ever told me how much they itch when the scabs start coming off. I am cleaning it and doctoring it several times a day :). Very much proud of this.

Another 1st....

 The firsts have of course already started. Tyler had a birthday just 7 days after we buried Mom & he was dreading that very much and I was too. He ended up having a very nice birthday. We celebrated him with a day at the lake. We have had school functions and activities, I had my first "let's facetime Babee" moment not many days after we buried her..... just SOOO much goes on that I feel like she should be here for or I need to call or text her about. 

BUT...... yesterday was a date that Tyler and I both dreaded & I know her brother and sisters did too...... the first month. June 4th marked exactly a month since Mama went to be with Jesus. It has been an incredibly hard month. Learning how to live each day without her (we saw her every day & she and I would talk on the phone or text majority of the day), realizing that her absence is a reality, the constant pain in our hearts, the tears that flow at times you don't expect...... are all so very difficult figuring out how to "deal" with. 

I was SO relieved when my Aunt Becky texted earlier this past week asking if we wanted to have a beach day Saturday (yesterday.... the 4th). Without much thinking I said of course! Doesn't take much to talk us into a beach trip. I knew by doing something it would help keep our minds occupied and prevent us from being at home moping around because of what day it was. 

When we got up yesterday morning, it was storming. Ordinarily I would have been like let's just stay home today.... no need to get out in the weather. But that didn't even cross my mind. I pulled up the radar (which is something else Mama always did.... she was my "weather lady"... she would send me the forecast daily) and it said the rain should be out by lunch. We loaded up and headed south. Had the best day just being with family and hanging out. I was very thankful she thought to get us away for the day. 

We decided to eat first. We went to Seaside, walked around, and ate lunch.

Kman liked that he matched the manikin.

Photographer Heidi took this :)!

 After lunch the sun came out and off to the beach we went.

Heidi, Sophie, and Brandon

She had to have her sandwich after only being at the beach about 45 minutes. Baby girl loves to eat.

I snagged this one from Brandon's snap chat :)!

I loved this of Heidi, Sophie, and Meme

 Heidi and MeMe wanted to go to Destin shopping when we were leaving, but I am so thankful they changed their minds. Or Cindy did rather.... Heidi still thought she needed something from Vera Bradley.... spoiled thing :)! I really wanted to stop at Ed's to eat because I knew that was what Mom would do. When we went to the beach with her, it was a given that we were going to eat here....

 and it just so turned out that my Uncle Bruce & Aunt Donna ate there too for Mama. They were gone by the time we got there, but stopped by to see us before they left town. Jamie Leigh took a video of us eating and I tried to screen shot :)..... the best I got.....

 Mom's favorite milkshake from there is the blue berry, Sophie (which talks about Babee NON STOP) wanted to get the one Babee would get...

 ... and off to the house we went. It was a great day. I thought about Mom all day & thought about what happened a month before, but being in one of our "happy places" just seemed to make it better. We all talked about her & shared memories. It was nice. Just miss her so much.

Lastly.... Heidi took this picture of MeMe on the ride home. I think it is absolutely beautiful.