Soooo Many Decisions

I didn't realize all the decisions that go into death and until you are in this situation, you really don't think about others having to make decisions about things. Since Mom wasn't married, Tyler & I had to do it all. We had to make a lot of difficult decisions. Most of them started when she really started not being able to fully understand things. For instance....I took over her checking account before she even knew it & I didn't tell her for a while. I knew she would think I was over stepping my boundaries and I didn't want her to think that I thought she was incapable. The first time that she got really frustrated with herself and she realized she was different was one day when she was trying to write things down in her checkbook. Those that know Mom know that she is a stickler for her account. She wrote everything down and it couldn't be a penny off. That day she tried so hard to understand how to write something down. She tried and tried and tried and got very frustrated and even got mad with me :)! She said she needed a banker to help her.... forgetting I was a banker for 6 years. Without her knowing I had to sit down and learn everything about her account. What she had automatically coming out, what I needed to pay, etc.

We also had to be the ones to do her medicines and make decisions on if we should do this one or that one and reasoning's behind them.  She would almost always tell us she wasn't hurting in the last several weeks, so we would have to go off of her mannerisms to decide if she needed her medicine every 4 hours or sooner or later. I can't tell you how many times she would beg us not to give her the medicine. She thought it was making her "crazy". She would "glue" her mouth shut, she would spit it out (not like in our faces, but just like down her chin), a few times she would almost cry while begging us not to make her take it. It was hard. She was pitiful. Tyler and I were the ones with her pretty much 24/7 (unless it wasn't my night to stay, then I would go home late and be back after taking the kids to school) and when she would do those things, we wouldn't give it to her. I don't regret it. I knew her days were numbered and I didn't see any point in forcing her to take something that would make her that upset. It ended up getting to the point where she couldn't understand how to swallow. When that happened, she had an advantage that most don't. Her PEG tube allowed us to give her medicine through it and thankfully the morphine dissolved in her cheek, so we would do half on one side and half on the other to make sure it stayed in and didn't "drool" out.
 Here is a video of Tyler administering her medicine through her tube...

We also had to make the tough decision about her hospital bed. I knew for a while that a hospital bed would be much easier for her, BUT she didn't want one. To her that was losing that last little bit of hope. We would talk to her about it and she would sometimes cry. She just wanted her bed..... until one day she got sick. I was the only one in there at the time she started throwing up and I couldn't get her sitting up fast enough before the throw up went all over her face, pillow, etc. She realized in that moment that a hospital bed would be easier and she agreed to it. We had one not long after that. But until she was okay with it, I didn't want to force her in it.

Just a couple days after getting the hospital bed.

She started really going down hill the end of April. By that I mean not being able to really communicate or understand most things. Starting in January we would talk about going to the funeral home and letting her pick everything out. It just never happened. On the days she would feel "good", she would want to do something different. I mean seriously.... who wants to plan their funeral when they feel normal? So on April 25th, Tyler.... Dad and I went to the funeral home. When we walked in , it was a heart ache like no other. I am BEYOND thankful Dad was there for us through it all. We got through it okay until the door was opened to go in the room to pick out her casket. I. LOST. IT! It was an overwhelming feeling..... truly cannot explain it. It was like my feet wouldn't pick up to move my body into the room. I was frozen. I mean there are A LOT of options when it comes to caskets.... there are colors, styles, designs, different blankets and monograms, you can even get them with drawers. I had never really paid attention to someone's casket before. I don't remember how many times we walked around that room... just looking at each one and trying to justify this one over that one...... whew..... it was tough.

The day before we went to the funeral home to pick out her casket, we picked out her clothes. We needed an idea about that because of the blankets, etc. Do you know how hard that is? Mom didn't have a "favorite" anything.... except her pajamas and velour suits. I would joke with her in months prior and tell her she'd be in her pretty pjs :).... we tried to get her to pick something out for so long. All she would tell us was the necklaces she wanted to wear. One necklace was her "nest"... had 2 eggs which represented me and Tyler. The other was one that had each of my kids' names on it. She said that way she had us all together.... so we new her necklaces because she told us, but then we had to think about earrings.... we chose her favorite hoops.... she had them on in most all of her pictures..... and then a ring that Kyle had given to her and me. Bless him..... he was so proud of that stretchy gold/teal thing :)..... and Mama was too.  She loved that he picked it out.

 And then we did her teal bracelet and her pandora. She loved that bracelet. That was the only thing we asked for back. Just couldn't part with it. And you have to think about things like her shirt.... is it too wide at the top? Because of the embalming procedure and where they have to do that.... so we ended up having to take a tank top for them to put under the shirt we took. We picked out a shirt and paired it with some of her favorite jeggings. And no shoes. Have you really thought about shoes in caskets? I hadn't. I had never wandered before if they had shoes on or not. But that is totally up to the family if you want them to have shoes on.

We also had to pick out her burial spot. There's things you even have to consider with that.We had to decide who all was going to be buried "with" her. We had to decide in that second how many spots we would need and then find a spot at the church big enough to hold that many. How many to the right of her and how many to the left? And then when we got the spot figured out, there are things you have to think about such as the coping.... if we do coping around her, the way the cemetery is set up, when burying the person(s) to the right of her they would not be able to get the back hoe to it to dig, so would end up breaking her coping.  By the way, she didn't want a vault. She thought they were just a waste of money and she was all about just going with nature anyway. BUT..... little did she know that by law you have to be buried in a vault.

We picked out a beautiful headstone for her. Basically designed it... sayings, name, spacing, do we want a vase? Do we want 1 vase? or 2 vases? Do we want the vase to the left of the headstone or the right? Do we want a design on the vase? Do we want the head stone that is this many feet/inches or the one that is this many feet/inches? Do we want the lettering this many inches? Do we want it smooth on the edges or rough? Do we want the black granite or light? Do we want her picture on there or not? SOOOOOOO many decisions. Forever is a LONG time to make sure you like what all you picked out.

We did the headstone about a week ago...... and then decided just yesterday to add a bench, so we went back up there to do that. Did you know there are choices to be made with a bench even? Smaller bench or bigger bench? They are 1 ft different in size, but the "pretty" legs go on the foot bigger one.... can get them on the smaller one but it takes a really long time to get it in.  But then the bigger one would be too bulky in the burial spot she is in.  So we decided on one, but then you have to decide if you want something on it.... a saying? picture? anything? AND THEN you have to decide where you want it placed.... straight over her feet? slanted? By that point we just couldn't even decide so she said they would use their best judgement when placing it.

There have been so many days lately that my brain has felt mush. So much had to be taken care of the past few months and SO much has had to be taken care of since May 4th. I am so thankful Tyler and I have each other to get through it and I am EXTREMELY thankful that Kyle and Dad were home to be with us as we made a lot of those decisions.

A friend that has lost her parents gave me these papers. I apologize with the picture quality, but I really wanted to share them to hopefully help some of you.