I am not one to hate anything, but I hate cancer.
It is a never ending battle. I know it isn't like that for some people, but for us it seems to be never ending. Sometimes I want to ask God questions like....
Why?
Why can't she be cleared and us go every 6 months for scans?
Why is it a constant battle?
Why couldn't we have gone through this when she was older? Much older?
I know there is a reason that she is going through all of this, but that does not mean it makes the road any easier. I am thankful for each and everyday we have together.
I think it is safe to say that anyone that has been in our shoes and anyone that has lost someone they deeply love would ask the same questions.
My Mom, Aunt Becky, and I went to Birmingham this past Wednesday to meet with Dr. Huh, her oncologist, and to have fluid removed from her lung cavity. She had been having some pain and had several scans done which resulted in the finding of fluid build up.
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| This was us before meeting with Dr. Huh. |
As usual, Aunt B and I waited in the lobby until they called us back to meet with Mom and Dr. Huh. Sadly, this was the first time they did not call us back with her. When she walked out the door and into the lobby, my heart sank. She was upset. She was heartbroken. She didn't want me to see it, but sometimes you just can't help it. I didn't know what to say, or do. In the moment I didn't even know why she was upset. He told her that they were going to drain the fluid and send off, but he was pretty sure it was malignant.
I was trying so hard to hold my emotions in. At that time, I felt that I needed to be strong.
He felt it was malignant because of how fast the fluid built up and because her levels were steadily rising.
June 3rd it was 60; June 25th it was 170.9; and July 15th it was 400.1.
To most of you that doesn't mean much. The normal CA125 level is less than 35. Anything over that number is a trigger that something is going on.
We made it to The Kirlkland Clinic where she was going to have the procedure done.
Like you are NOT ever recommended to do, she googled the procedure.
It would be something like....
OUCHIE!!!!
..... And then..... she came across a you tube video. We all sat there silent as we watched it. I got a picture of the two of them watching....
It made her more nervous, but ready at the same time.
Before long they called her back. They were able to drain some to send off.
That began the once again dreaded wait. They said it would be 2-3 days before we would know anything. Thursday rolled around, Friday, and then yesterday.
We had gone to Marvin's when Mom got off because she needed some things for some rentals. We were on our way to check out at approximately 6:45 and her phone rang. It was Dr. Huh.
The fluid was malignant :(. It's almost like a dream that doesn't end. If you count her initial time (Feb 2014) finding out that she had Ovarian Cancer, this makes the 4th time hearing that news. With it being malignant it means it is in her lung cavity and is aka pleural effusion. This does not mean it is in her actual lungs.
The praise in it all is that it has not gotten in any organs thus far.
She will go to Birmingham tomorrow morning to meet with Dr. Huh and to start her new chemo. We aren't sure what the new chemo will be, but he said it will be an all day treatment and will discuss it with her in the morning.
Cancer is an emotionally and physically draining journey. Mostly for the patient, but also for the family. Until someone has been through it, they truly do not know what it is like. It is a constant haunting and it sadly controls your life whether you want it to or not.
I will still do posts periodically as we know more. I want you all to know that I don't just do them for you all to read, but I do them for ME. It is a way for me to vent. It is also something I have to look back on and read about. All of my posts from last year are already timehop memories.
I'll leave you with this......
Last night on our way to Marvin's (before she had talked to Dr. Huh), Karter out of the blue said, "Babee..... you won't have cancer when you get to Heaven".
When we don't even realize it, it affects our children's emotions as well.
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ReplyDeleteJanet is a brave and courageous woman. She is a fighter and that is what it takes when battling cancer.
ReplyDeleteShe sure is.
DeleteOh Toyia I am so sorry. Been down that road many times as a caregiver. Michael heard "in remission" and "cancer is back" more times than I can count over a 12 yr period. It is a journey that is beyond all journeys. Would like to recommend a book. It's called Why Me? And Why That's the Wrong Question by Jim Davis. It's a book about godly suffering. Some of Michael's caringbridge posts are featured in the book. Never give up hope. God's always got a better plan no matter what He chooses it to be.
ReplyDeleteIt sure is. It is hard enough going through it with my Mom, I cannot imagine going through it with my son. What a blessing you are. Mom actually has that book :). Someone gave it to her last year when this journey first started.
DeletePraying for your mom and you all, Toyia!
ReplyDeleteThank you Amanda
DeleteIt's hard to find the words....when I read this I can feel the emotions and can imagine what it must be like for you all. "Constant haunting". I can feel it for you and it's such a terrible feeling. I'm praying for you, your sweet mom, your whole family. I know God is holding you all close, and I pray He heals completely once and for all and she (and you all) enjoy good health for many years to come. In Jesus' name. Amen.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!!!
DeleteToyia, I have read your post word for word and understand. My daughter was diagnosed end of January with Inflammatory Breast Cancer, a rare and aggressive form. She immediately began a 6 month journey of chemo. 2 weeks ago she had her 1st treatment of red devil and became very ill with WBC count dropping to 0.8 and RBC dropping to 2. Dr said her body cannot handle the red devil and has ordered its cousin to be given on the 16th. Gina is 44 and has children ages 12 and 10. We have 10 more weeks of the hard chemo and then a mastectomy followed with 7 weeks of radiation. It's quite a journey! We just never know what's around the corner in life. It all happened so fast! We, as Christians, aren't exempt from sufferings in life. But God promises that we will never walk alone. He makes His presence known and we have seen his care and faithfulness time and time again. So my daughter and the family continue on with confidence in Him. She and we, have all the pain and emotions that go along with cancer, but God is our comfort and strength, our help in in every day, for every fear. I will be in prayer for your Mom and your family. We need to support one another.
ReplyDelete