10 Things Every Spouse Needs (dotMom)

I can't believe that I haven't already blogged about this.  When I went to DotMom in September, I went to a break out session called, 10 Things Every Spouse Needs.  I know what I want from Kyle,  but do I really know what he wants/needs from me?  Steve and Debbie Wilson did a fantastic job explaining what each spouse needs and I wanted to share it with you all. 

Fundamental Verse: Eph 4:4, "You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both inwardly and outwardly."

* We have to love steadily.  We cannot just pick and choose when we love.  A good example of this is when a farmer's cows knock a fence down, the farmer has to fix it right away.  He can't just wait around to fix the fence or more problems come up.  When our "fences" get knocked down in our marriages, we have to do the same thing.  

(1)To feel valued
* The biggest way to show value is the way you look at your spouse and listen to him/her.
* Your family desperately wants to know they are important to you.  Ask your spouse what makes them feel valued by you.
* We need to value our husbands/wives as much as we want him/her to value us.

(2)Honest & open communication
*When your husband asks you what's wrong, QUIT SAYING, "Nothing! I'm Fine!".  TELL HIM what is really wrong!!!
      ---Bless Kyle, he knows that when I say, "nothing", that something is up and he will insist on me telling him.

(3) My shoulder before my mouth
* When something is wrong, the 1st thing your husband wants to do is offer a solution.  Tell your husband that you want him to ask questions.
 * This is hard to do.  Crying makes people uncomfortable.
        ---Kyle has seen me cry so many times this past year it isn't funny.  YESSSSS a lot of the times were at a silly Netflix movie, but some of the time was just from.... "life".  Sometimes he will just give me a big hug and no words are needed to be said.  He is offering his shoulder to me and I know that by being embraced in his arms that I have the comfort that I need.
* We also don't know how to grieve.  We are used to people telling us to "get over it".
      --- Eventually the grieving will catch up to you.  When it does, you'll come crashing down.  It is hard to not hold things in,  but that is what our spouse is for.  Our best friend.  Our go to.
* Our husbands are taught when they are just a child to be "macho", but they also have a heart.  Things that bother us can just as easily bother them.  We need to make sure our shoulder is there for them when they need it.

(4)To know I will defend them
* In our marriage our spouses may do something we don't agree with, but we have to have their back.

(5)To be held and touched
*Our marriages have stopped doing this.  Touch is healing.  It softens the heart.
* James Dobson said, "Your husband needs 1 ten second kiss a day". 

(6)Affirmation
*Your spouse needs an "at a boy". 
*Let them know how proud you are of them.
*Affirmation is a choice.
      --- I try to tell Kyle very often how very proud of him I am.  I don't have to put it on facebook to tell him.  I just tell him.  I tell him in person, I tell  him on the phone, text, or emails when he is at work.  He sacrifices A LOT to provide for our family and I am forever thankful for that and oh so proud of him.  Plus I call  him the, "Doctor of Mechanics"..... he can fix just about anything.  He can take something a part and put it back together like it was nothing.  I am proud of him and I try to make sure he knows that. 

(7)Quality Time
*You have to carve out quality time for your spouse. 
*QUALITY IS NOT QUANTITY!!!
*Quality time is really being present.  Being on your phone or doing something else while talking to your spouse is not being present. 

(8)A partner
* Do things together.  (EX: Debbie took golf lessons thinking she would learn to love the game to be with her husband.  BUT she decided she didn't want to play.  She just enjoyed being with him more than anything.)
     --- This made me think of my friend Kayla and her husband.  Her husband LOVES to play golf and I used to tell her all the time to go with him and ride/drive the golf cart. I used to look forward to going with my dad so that I could drive the cart around the course.
     --- When Kyle is home, he is constantly dragging me to check deer cameras, or get under his truck with him to help him tinker with something, etc.  Although it is things that I don't necessarily enjoy, I enjoy being with him.

* Your husbands are still little boys in big bodies.
     --- CAN I GET AN AMEN???  I have been guilty of telling Kyle that I feel like I have 4 kids when he  is home.  BUT the kids love having a Daddy that constantly plays with them, and I am thankful that they have an involved Daddy too.

* We get married to enjoy life with someone.

(9)Forgiving Heart
* Let's face it...... forgiving is hard. 
* Our marriage should reflect God at all times.

(10)Pray for each other
*Your spouse needs to hear you pray for them.  The most important thing you can do is pray together.  Let your kids hear you pray.

One of the biggest complaints in marriages is "my needs aren't being met!".  I came home after dotMom ready to be the best wife and mom I could possibly be.  Marriages are a constant partnership.  It takes two to make it work!  Hopefully these ten things will help you the way they did me.