My Story........ My Battle........ My Recovery

As I start this blog, I find myself feeling really nervous about it. This is something that I have gone back and forth on for some time now on whether or not to share it. There are many people that are close to me that don't even know "my story". I have found myself not wanting to share it for many reasons... such as pride, "everyone" goes through it.... so what makes mine different? Who cares? Re-living it...... but all in all I want to share it because maybe it will help someone. WARNING: You may need a tissue.

Most of you know that Sophie was a complete shock to us. She was completely not planned and was that "1%" that you hear about. Well I am a HUGE planner, so when I found out that I was pregnant, I immediately started crying. Selfish I know, but that was just human nature I guess. Karter was just a baby. He was 5 months old when we found out we were expecting. Sadly, I was embarrassed. How shameful is that?? Embarrassed because God had blessed us with another beautiful life. Looking back, it was all so silly. God knew what He was doing.

I was not prepared for all of the negative comments I would get nor all of the stares that we would get over the next several months. Kyle on the other hand, he was happy as he could be. The day we found out he was beyond excited. Not one time was he ever upset that we were going to have 3 kids under 4. I put a lot of blame on him. I was the one that was blowing up like a cow again and toting a baby. I was the one that got the stares and ohhhhh so many comments. He didn't have to go through any of that I would tell him. He didn't know what it felt like. But you know..... people in this World can be so cruel and they don't even know the effect it can have on someone. Looking back, I know that it all started when I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't enjoy the pregnancy. I never didn't want her, but I never felt the excitement of bringing another child into the World. I felt like I was pushing Karter to the side and wouldn't be able to enjoy his baby hood like I did Heidi.  I wanted to enjoy him just the same, but now I wouldn't be able to.  How were we going to do this financially? Our house is too small for 3 kids. I had a million things to "worry" about the entire time. So I thought.

Well the sickness or "disease" I like to call it that I went through was Depression. I call it a disease because it can kill you and it almost killed me. Many people go through it.... more than you know actually, but I just feel like it is time to share "My Story".

Sophie Lynne Colquett was born June 26, 2010. On that day, I was soooo beyond happy when I layed eyes on her. All of the negative comments and stares and whispers that I seemed to have gone through the many months before disappeared. When Kyle and I took our first family photo with our 3 beautiful and healthy kids, I felt excited for what was to come. So what if Karter couldn't walk? So what if it was going to be like twins on two different schedules? Karter was 14 months old when Sophie was born.

After we got home, everything seemed fine. Everything was going smoothly. Financially things seemed okay. Thankfully at our daycare after two kids it was only $10 per each additional child, so that helped. Things were crazy and chaotic as expected. I mean after all we did have 3 kids under 4 LOL!

When Sophie was about 5 months old is when I started noticing a big change in me. I didn't seem as happy. I found myself being very short tempered and easily aggitated. I just thought it was from all the craziness. I slowly started finding myself venturing off to our closet. I would sit in there or lay in there in the dark for as long as I could until Kyle or Heidi found me. That was "my place".

Christmas 2010 was so different. Our children were sick and that threw a lot of things off. We normally do Kyle's family Christmas all together Christmas Eve, but that year we had to do them seperate. That is when I really noticed that I just wasn't myself. That was the first "big" incident that happened where I noticed that I felt terrible. I cried and cried. I wanted to be alone. I didn't understand. I was so angry. And all in all it was nothing. I see that now.

There is one thing about Depression that you need to know. What seems small to one, to someone that is going through something like that, it could be something HUGE to them.

Well the next 4 months were terrible. I lost 40 pounds in 3 months. I started losing my appetite. I even went to the "fat doctor" to try to get him to help me because I hated the way I looked. He gave me a shot and some diet pills, but that bottle is actually still in my bathroom drawer. I hated my family. I hated my friends. I hated Kyle. I hated being married. I hated being a mom. I hated my job. There wasn't really anything that I liked. Most of all I hated God. I blamed Him for making me feel the way I did. He knew that my entire lifes dream was to be a Mom. I had three amazing kids and one absolutely amazingly wonderful husband, but why couldn't I like them? I begged Kyle for a divorce almost daily. Thankfully he didn't give up on me. I didn't know why I wanted a divorce, I just wanted one. I would pick fights just to pick them. I guess thinking back, maybe I was trying to run him off??? I don't know. All in all.... while all of this was going on with me, I still tried my hardest to put a front on and make everything on the outside seem okay.

We still went to church. I didn't want to be there, but I still knew that my kids needed to go. SO I made sure they went. I knew right from wrong, but in that mind set I just didn't care.

During this time, I had finally talked to my mom about it. She begged me to get help and everyday she would make sure I was okay. She finally convinced me to tell my Dad. I have never wanted to let me Daddy down. Hearing him say he was "disappointed" in me was all it ever took. I was way too prideful. BUT, I finally told him what I was going through.... via email. I asked him not to share with anyone. I wanted no one to know. And I asked him to pray.  Of course he never once said he was disappointed in me.  I know now that he would have never said that over that situation.  That was something that I was going through that I couldn't help and Daddy knew that.   

Too many days and nights I thought about suicide. I finally understood why people committ suicide. Now I look at that completely different than I used to. Is it selfish? Yes by all means. Is it wrong? Absolutely. But if you have ever been in that situation then you know that to YOU that is the only way out. There is no one to help you. How is going to talk to someone going to help your problems? Those people hear stories just like mine day in and day out. Mine is the same one that they hear over and over and over. They aren't going to really care. I wanted someone to REALLY care.

Every little thing would set me off. I still remember I was so excited about the Rattlesnake Rodeo that year, but things didn't go like I had wanted them to and everything was downhill on the day of the rodeo. Just little things were sooooo HUGE to me.  There were also several things at work that went on that seemed to just push me farther and farther away.  Some of them I still don't understand and some of them I blew way out of porportion.

I still used our closet as my "safe haven" so to speak. I still wouldn't turn the light on and by now I often locked the door. I sitll blogged, but if you go back to the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011, you can tell my blogs were different. I found myself blogging outside. I would take the computer late at night and go sit in the swing all alone. Anything I could do to be alone and with small children, that is very hard to do. I would just "disappear" and leave Kyle with the kids just to get away from all of them. It makes me so sad to think back on all of it now.

Well by this time, my mom, Dad, and Kyle were begging me to get help. I mean begging.

I don't really remember what happened on "THAT" day in April, but I remember I was soooo angry with this World. I had no purpose in it what so ever to me. I really had no desire to get help for all of the reasons that I listed above. My only solution..... take myself out of it. I weighed out all of my options. I absolutely HATE guns, so that wouldn't be it. I thought about a car wreck, but that wasn't guaranteed. All sorts of thoughts ran through my head. SOOO absurd and sickening to think about now, but I need to be completely honest with myself and with you. My only option was pills. I even told Kyle that was the way I was going to go. So on that night in April 2011, I wrote my "goodbye" letter. I actually still have the letter in my drawer and haven't read it since that night. But I had all of my reasonings in the letter. I had what all I wanted to wear at my funeral in it. What I wanted the kids to wear, etc.

Thankfully, my most awesome Godly husband that never gave up on me, cried, pleaded, and begged for me not to do it. He begged for me to seek help. By this time I had also told my best friend, Amanda. So I knew I had four people praying for me. I am so very thankful for Kyle's begging that night. GOD got a hold of my tail and shook me like He never has before. Although I had given up on Him, He had never given up on me. I promised Kyle I would get help.

That next day I went to work and I had no choice but to tell my boss. I knew she would understand and I also wanted her to know because I didn't know how long I would need to be away from work. I cried and I cried and I cried talking to her. She was more helpful than she will ever know. She asked me if she could talk to our CFO because she knew he would have some great advice on who to go to. So I agreed that it was okay because right now I WANTED HELP!!!!! I WANTED MY LIFE BACK!

I also cried to him many times. He gave me someone to go see and so I called right away to make an appointment. Well guess what.... in order to go see this Doctor, I would have to be completely off of birth control (hormones) for like 3 months. Well no way!!! After all.... Sophie's sweet surprise is what got me in the situation I was in. So I told them to forget it. I went back and told him and he was completely shocked.

So now.... back to square one. My mom kept suggesting me call my OB/GYN. He deals with this often. I put that off and put it off because I wanted someone that CARED!!! Not someone that dealt with this thing on a daily basis. But where was I going to find someone like that? So I ended up making 2 different appointments and canceling them for various reasons each time. Finally on that 3rd appointment I KNEW I HAD to go. I didn't want anyone to go with me. I was a big girl and needed to do this myself.

On the way to Dothan that morning, I was all in a tizz. I was crying, I was nervous, I wanted to back out soooo badly. I was so embarrassed. I had Kyle on the phone and I had just turned by our church and had gone around a sharp curve when BAMMMMM I hit a bird. It wasn't just a small little blue bird, it was a BIG bird.  I watched it fly up over my suburban and fall down behind it.  I was a COMPLETE wreck after that. Completely!! Kyle recommended me pulling over, so I pulled over for a long while. I messaged my boss and she even offered to come drive me. How sweet was that? Well I finally got it together and drove myself to see Dr. Cleveland.

That dear sweet man and God saved my life. That was when he told me that I was experiencing Post Pardum and Depression. I told him everything. I wanted help. He put me on a medicine called Pristique. It has saved my life. I have been on it every since, up until yesterday that is. I tried 2 different times to come off of it, but if you do any research on that medicine, it is a highly strong drug. You can't just quit cold turkey.... or let me rephrase, you can, but it is MISERY!!! PURE TORTURE! One of the times I got sooo sick at work that I had to just leave. I was running to the bathroom to throw up, running outside to throw up, I couldn't even see my computer screen because it was so blurry from me being so nauesous.

Another small thing that I turned big was.... when I ran out of my medicine on a Wednesday. Well I called to get it re-filled and then forgot to pick it up the next two days. So the entire weekend I felt TERRIBLE. Kyle was away at work. I had the 3 kids, I felt nauseous constantly, I was throwing up, etc . But I still had to hold it together for the kids. So come that Monday I went to get it and this was right at Kyle's new insurance change because he hadn't been at his new job long. I honestly thought that I just had some type of virus that weekend. But when I went to get the medicine, my pharmacist was explaining to me the side effects and they were exactly what I had gone through. Looking back, it was no big deal, but I was so mortified that I was being explained things about my "happy pill" in front of people. I was so upset that I had gone through that entire weekend of misery when it could have been prevented by a simple phone call for me to call our insurance company. I was so upset that we changed pharmacies. We got everything back in line with our insurance and I was back on the medicine.

Well after being on Pristique and lots of prayer and finally turning it over to God, I am 100% better. I absolutely love my life, love my kids, love my friends, my family.... everything!! I enjoy life so much better now. I apologize to Kyle all the time for being so selfish and for hurting him so bad. I thank him for saving my life. He truly truly loves me and I am so thankful for that.

Well I have really been wanting to come off of my medicine. It has been 1 1/2 years now and I have the mind set that I can do it on my own. I went and talked to Dr Cleveland last month and he just started me on some new medicine. With Pristique, there were no smaller doseages, so I couldn't just "wing my self off" nor can you cut the tablet in half. He couldn't believe what I had gone through to try to come off myself. Many times people that try to come off find themselves laying in the bed for many many days because they are too sick to even get up. With my new medicine, I should be able to take this doseage for a couple weeks, then lower my doseage and then eventually wing myself off.  I am determined to be happy again without a pill.  I hate depending on medication.

So if you are struggeling with anything, please do not waste your time. Get help!! Life is so short. Do I still find my self getting aggrevated about things? Sure. I am human. I am a mom to a 6, 3, & 2 year old. Life is crazy! Do I still say things that I don't mean to say? Absolutely. Seeking help saved my life. It didn't make me a perfect saint. I will always be human. But I am my old self now. Kyle and I are happier than we have ever been and I honestly think through that process it has brought us so close. We saw how close we were to losing one another and that is something that we neither want to experience if given a choice.

Depression does not need to be taken lightly. It is a serious serious disease. And it is something that I pray I will never have to experience again.