Emotional Rollercoaster

We had a really good morning. The kids were sleepy heads. I was able to get completely dressed, have the bags packs, and change purses before waking Heidi up. Once she got dressed Karter woke up. We started looking for Sophie's diaper bag because I took it today to get monogrammed. Well we looked and looked and Heidi would keep saying "Me think it's..... under my bed".... and it wouldn't be there... then she'd say it over again... until she got to Karter's closet. I told her that I really didn't think it would be in there, but low and behold... it was!! I got real excited and told her how proud I was :) SHE found Sophie's bag... and anyway just made a huge production out of it... she was so happy... giving me high fives and huge smiles :)! Then on the way to school we started praying... I'm trying to teach her that you can pray all throughout the day and not just at night. So she was saying her prayers on the way to school and she prayed for Sophie's diaper bag... that it wouldn't get lost again :)! I thought that was really sweet.

Well Heidi usually feels me full of orders each morning. This morning I parked in the wrong spot at Kids World... I need to park in the other spot so her shoes won't get wet when walking those few steps on the grass to get to the side walk :) and then she said for me to tell Babee (my mom) to pick her up. Babee works at OMS which is right down the street from Kids World so it is very convenient for her to pick them up and Heidi's gotten to where she loves to go with her to Beck Beck's (my aunt Becky's house) to feed the horses. So anyway she picked them up today and they went to the Complex. I had to run by the grocery store when i got off and when I got home I started a load of laundry, chicken boiling (I made homemade Chicken Quasadias (sp?) and chicken salad), and then layed on the couch until Kyky and Babee and the kids got here.

When they got here I went out side to greet them and Heidi was the first one out... so I loved on her and picked her up and then she got down to go see Josh. I then went and got my little man and loved on him. Well Heidi wanted him to get in his red car (it's one that he sits in and someone pushes it). She pushed him around... we went and checked the mail.... then she would start laughing and push him down the hill and I would run after him. She thought it was hilarious. Well she done it a couple times and Babee told her that Karter might flip over or something so she stopped. Well she decided to sit on the front of the car. So I pushed both of them like that for a little bit and it got heavy.... so she got off... well then she got back on and Karter started getting really mad not wanting her on there. So i told her to get off. She got off and we pushed some more... and then she started getting back on again but like climbing on it like facing Karter. Well somehow she slipped and fell and her neck hit his head. Of course he started crying and then she started crying... and the drama began! I got Karter out while at the same time telling her that that was why I told her not to get back on there. I knew that might happen. I handed Karter to my mom and then loved and checked on Heidi. Well while I was doing that my mom made the comment that Heidi was just trying to get my attention too.... well of course my over analyzing mind started turning after that. I told her that I always try my hardest to include Heidi and Karter in everything. My worst fear is for one of them to feel unloved by me or that I show favoritism. That's not what I want at all. So we came inside and I got some ice for Heidi (she loves to be pampered... and she has to have her diva moment for a little while) and she put the ice on her neck. Well after that (and I'm sure it is because I had all that on my mind) it seemed like everything was stressful. Karter was whining... Heidi was whining... I fixed Karter some supper... tried some new spaghetti O type things for toddlers... he didn't eat much of it (SURPRISE)... and at the same time I was trying to let her know I cared about her too... Finally Kyle got home and started helping.

Well I was really okay until they got in the bathtub and I was sitting in there with them. They were splashing like they do EVERY night and get the entire bathroom soaking wet. Well I'm constantly telling Heidi not to splash so hard because her's goes really high. Well finally tonight I said Heidi... you are 4 years old... she said "no me not" and I said well you are almost 4 and that means that you are a big girl and you splash really really high. Of course she said "Karter splashes high" *hehe*... but as soon as I said 4.... all emotions started setting in. I started bawling. My baby girl is almost 4... I don't know where time went. I would never EVER trade Karter or Sophie in or wish they weren't here, but I would LOVE to go back to where I just had only Heidi just one more day... that's all... one more day of just me and Heidi. I was able to be at home with her 7 months before I started work so we really had some bonding time. We've always been super close. Karter will be ONE in 2 weeks and I feel like I missed out on so much with him. And now Sophie is coming along... I just really feel overwhelmed tonight... it's all becoming a reality. I am about to be a mother of 3 and my life will never be the same. I miss the closeness that Heidi and I had... I'm afraid that she is going to feel like I have pushed her to the side because she has a baby brother and sister... I don't want that. I want her to feel special and feel like my Big Helper. I am very attached to my children and it is hard for me to do something with just one of them... and when I do of course the other one is constantly on my mind. I love Heidi and she knows that... right? I'm a good mom right?? I am sure I have my pregnancy hormones to thank for feeling like this anyway... but I can't stop thinking about it... I went outside to do laundry and was just crying folding clothes.... then I came back in and finished up my chicken salad and started crying making it.

Kyle keeps asking what is wrong, but I just really don't feel like talking about it out loud. It's easier to type. I can say a lot more typing... and I know I'll just start boo hooing all over again telling him and I don't want him to think I am silly. He already makes fun of me and says I cry over anything and over the silliest commercial that comes on TV. My argument is I just have a tender heart and things get to me easily. Right now Heidi is asking me"Mommy when it's day time do me have to go to school or church?" I told her both.. .and then she told me that she wants to spend the night at Babee's house. Really??? NOT very good timing on that one. I told her that she couldn't tomorrow night because it's late when we get out of church and she said "But me like her"... so of course I asked her if she still likes me and she nodded her head yes. Then again here I am feeling like I am just whining whining whining when my friend Meredith is here without her twins that would be almost 3. What do I have to whine about? I still have all my babies here with me and I am going to love them and love on them until it makes them sick. They are going to know WITHOUT a doubt that their mom loves them and wants what's best for them. I love being a mom!