I received this today on email and it is too good not to share.
The
Laugh
How To Know When You
Are Ready For Parenthood
MESS TEST: Smear
peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed
and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a
55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing
tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could
wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they
eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain
one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that
all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain
a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling
with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to
be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare
by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it
thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay
down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and
sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them
until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST
(WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
CAR TEST: Forget the
Miata and buy the mini van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway
spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice
cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter.
Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size bag of chocolate cookies.
Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There! Perfect!
CRAFT TEST: Get an
egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an
alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of
foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong
ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group
committee.
TELEVISION TEST:
Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends', 'Sesame Street',
and 'Power Rangers'. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me"
at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and
table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them
that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
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