Down and Out

Usually I am not a me, me, me person.... but tonight I just have to talk about what's going on with ME for a change. I know that normally my Sunday night blogs are full of pictures and a recap of the past few days..... I'll still do that.... maybe tomorrow night.... just tonight I need some me time.... after all this is MY journal right??? I can write and do anything I want to!!! I just give you the privilege of reading them.

I have really felt down and out lately. I have had "spells" over the past few months, but over Christmas I seem to feel worse and worse. I really don't know what started it.... I am sure a mixture of things. The first would probably be exhaustion..... I am sure everyone has thought at some point or another that there is absolutely NO WAY that ANYONE can be as tired as you are.... I seem to feel like that often. I was not mentally prepared for the amount of "emotional stress" that went along with 3 kids under 4. It eventually wears on you... that and of course minimal sleep. I know that one day I am going to look back on these days and miss them.... that's why I try to keep a positive outlook on them, but gosh... sometimes people just need their rest. Last night was the first night in I can't remember how long.... that EVERYONE in the Colquett house slept!! Not a single child woke up until morning. Really nice! Maybe they'll make a habit out of it.

I seem to be very emotional lately.... and before you jump to conclusions.... NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!! I just think it goes with the emotional stress thing.... and exhaustion. Being tired can make you do some crazy things. It almost feels like a depression....not that I really know what that is like... just hard to explain. I struggle everyday with the fact that Karter and Sophie are both needy.... and how sometimes I can't show them both the attention they need at that time. You know I am a very hands on mom. I rock everyone of my children to sleep.... I kiss boo boos, I rock them for nap time, etc... etc.... so I know that's a lot of it because normally I rock Sophie and Kyle rocks Karter.... Sophie doesn't do well with Kyle. But by that....I feel like I have missed out on a huge part of Karter's life. During most of my pregnancy, I was still "doing" for him... but also preparing for the arrival of our new baby. Then it's like he'll be 2 in 4 months.... how did that happen?? Where did my time go with him?? Why don't I feel like I am "satisfied" with the amount of time we get to spend together.... like I felt with Heidi? I have a very hard time with that... VERY HARD time! I do the best I can and that's all I can do.... but often I think back to the "simpler" times. Some people want children really close in age.... and some don't. I think those that want them really close in age probably do better with the emotions that come with it.... they are somewhat mentally prepared for what is about to happen. I always wanted a lot of children.... by a lot I mean about 5 or so (spread out).... but honestly having children 14 months apart did me in!! I'm not going to say I am FOREVER through... but right now I am VERY satisfied with my 3 kids and I hope and pray that God doesn't have any surprises in store for me. I think he knows that I can't handle it!

Also Christmas just didn't seem right this season. Almost like there was no appreciation. I always put a lot of thought into gifts... and money most of the time... and I start buying gifts way in advance.. for example... no joke this week I went ahead and bought my aunt something for Christmas (I drew her name) and my other aunt her birthday present (in Nov), my sister in law a Christmas gift, and Heidi's birthday present. I have no choice but to buy some here and some there. And I guess because I do seem to really think about what to get people... I let myself down when I don't get the reaction that I wanted when they open it. We did some personal gifts this year... and one of them I thought was really cool.... but I know the receiver didn't think so. That got me pretty down. I even did lots of monogrammed gifts this year.... scarves, bathrobes, purses, etc... I thought they were great gifts!!! Oh well! I just hate to put that much into something and then feel like the person didn't like it.

My house is also driving me NUTS!! Yes I am thankful for my house... don't get me wrong. It's just a personal issue. I can NOT keep it clean... none of it! I get very stressed out because I look around and nothing is clean... absolutely nothing. Our family is growing and this house is getting smaller and smaller. It's an old house... so there of course are several things that I don't like about it. The laundry room is outside for starters.... HATE that... the kitchen is completely white... cabinets, doors, appliances, floors.... HATE that. There are no plugs in the hall way... the carpet is atrocious... the shutters are puke green... I used to love it when we first moved in. I had a beautiful back patio.... I miss that so badly. When we built the new addition (master bedroom, bath, and closet), I had to do away with my porch. I regret that often. That was my oasis. There was a ceiling fan, swing, green house, patio furniture, the grill, etc.... very relaxing. Once that was gone.... I almost felt like this house was more of a house and not a home... maybe because there were a lot of memories on that porch.... a lot of things that I did with Heidi and would love to have done with the other 2. Oh how I long for a new house.... I would love to build a house. I want a house where we can grill, shoot fireworks, be loud, let the dog run loose, etc.

Then not a day goes by that I do not think about the struggles my wonderful friends, Gregg and Meredith, go through. I feel guilty day in and day out for the way I feel. What they would do to feel this exhaustion.... because they to would have 3 kids under 3 actually. Brayden and Kenadi's birthday was in May.... so they would have been 3 this past May.... and Kaidi just turned 1. So see Mere would have had me beat :)!!! But even hanging out with them, I am constantly thinking at how bad they would love to see B & K running around that house... playing with the other kids... pushing the water thing on the fridge(like Karter was doing Saturday) and making water drip all over the floor....Mere had to lock it where the buttons wouldn't work *L*, getting ice out of the icebox, saying "Daddy Daddy" or "Mommy Mommy".... I long for them to gain peace and comfort each and every day. Every day is a struggle of its on.... a new struggle... and most of the time an unseen struggle. Always keep them in your prayers.

Friends seem to be another issue. Everyone is getting busier and busier... and friendships seem to dwindle. Don't get me wrong, I still have a couple of close friends... and I am very thankful for that. But a lot of times I feel like some of my "friends" have chosen to move on.... mostly because of my crazy lifestyle. And I have to come to accept that. I stress over that a lot as well... but I guess if that's the way they want it, then it really wasn't a "friendship" in the beginning.

I have always tried to be the better person in everything I do. I like to call myself a people pleaser (sp?). I don't do well with conflict. I feel like I used to be so happy.... always laughing and smiling... and that seemed to rub off on people. Now I feel like I hardly ever smile... sometimes I feel like there's not even a good reason as to why I am here. Like what is my purpose? To be a mom?? I used to think that.... until I had 3 kids.... that day care gets to raise... while I work an 8 hour day just to pay for daycare and insurance. I stress because of the time I am missing with my children. So surely that isn't my purpose.... to produce kids to give a daycare worker job security. I always dreamed of being a stay at home mom... and I often wonder if I would still be one had Brett not called me to come work at SIB 4 years ago. Heidi is about to start kindergarten... so the free time is really gone with her... it's all gone. I miss her being a little Sophie... wanting me all the time.... only wanting me... the love I felt from her.... the love I felt for her..... is so indescribable... she was my pride and joy. I was so happy to have her and be with her. I couldn't leave her anywhere without crying. There weren't many places that we went where she couldn't go. And now that she is bigger and Karter is right there behind her, they seem to always want to go.... they want to get out of this crazy house. They want time to themselves.

It just seems that 2010 was not a great year for us.... lots of stress and struggles. A lot of changes went on in our family in 2010. I guess it's a year I'll never forget. I don't do resolutions each year.... they just bring disappointment. But I do hope that now that Sophie is getting bigger and more playful that things will start to be less stressful. Please be good to us 2011.... please!